Melody Of The Underground Passage
by Jack of the Pelt
Summary: Heather is a young girl trapped in an terrifying nightmare. She must escape, but only if she can stop giggling…


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Author's Notes: Well, here it is; the sequel to my surprisingly popular Silent Hill 2 parody, 'Pyramid Head and I'. It's been a long time coming, but I hope it was worth the wait for everybody who kept asking me for a follow up, although I don't believe that this one won't come anywhere close to it's predecessor, however. On a side note, I have to say that it was absolute hell try come up with even a half-decent title for this story! Anyway, beware of spoilers and please read and review.

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Disclaimer: Silent Hill belongs to Konami, while the various characters that make cameo appearances belong to their respective owners (or themselves), and all are used without permission.

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Melody Of The Underground Passage

By Jack of the Pelt

"I love you too, dad." Heather, a young blonde girl in her late teens, had just finished talking to her father on the phone at the Central Square Shopping Center. She had been at this place for a few hours now; some of her friends had been with her but left her an hour or so ago, leaving her at the local Happy Burger place, where she had fallen asleep and then had an exceptionally bad nightmare. She had woken up to find the place empty except for the staff, and, seeing how late in the afternoon it was, decided to ring her father up and then catch a train home on the subway.

As the young girl put down the phone, she noticed a man, probably in middle age, dressed like a private investigator in those old detective movies, seemingly waiting for her to finish. She gestured towards the pay phone, but he shook his head. But as she moved away he called to her.

"Heather," the old guy said. "I need to speak with you. My name is Douglas Cartland. I'm a detective."

She turned to him. "A detective? Really? Well nice talking to ya," she said, walking off again.

"Hold on," he asked her. "There's someone who wants to meet you. Just let me have an hour, no half an hour of your time."

"My daddy always told me not to talk to strangers," she said acidly, not stopping.

"This is very important," he said firmly.

Heather stopped and turned to face him. "Okay, what?" she said, hands on hips.

"Well, would you consider selling me your panties?"

THWACK!

***

Heather had just left the My Bestsellers bookshop after solving a rather bizarre puzzle involving Shakespeare Anthologies with numbers written on their spines. "What is the matter with the people who owned that store?!" she cried in frustration. "Don't they know that notepaper's been invented?! Why didn't they just write the code on that piece of paper instead of that stupid clue?!" She stopped her muttering, suddenly noticing the young woman standing at the end of the corridor. She was tall, had long blonde hair and wore a long black dress.

Heather ran towards her. "Hey wait, what's going on?" she called out. "Where is everybody? Those weird monsters..."

The woman threw her hands up into the air. "Hail Edmund, lord of adders black!" she shrieked in an English accent, eyes wide.

Heather almost fell over as she stopped. "What?" she asked, confused as to why this woman was calling her 'Edmund'. She started to walk towards her. "My name is Hea-"

"Step no nearer, for already I see thy bloody purpose!" the woman cried out, her arms forward, as if to fend Heather off.

"Errr, yeah…" Heather said slowly. "Listen lady, do you -"

"Thou plot is, Blackadder, thou wouldst be king and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine!"

"No, I -"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Right…"

"I am Claudia!" she cackled.

"So what! You're a lunatic with fairly accurate non-comedy accent that's never explained!"

"Remember me, and your true self as well, also that which you must become!" she screeched, oblivious to what Heather was saying. "The one who will lead us to Paradise with blood stained hands! AHAHAHAHA!"

Heather had had enough of this. "Claudia? Right?" she asked. "Did you do all this?"

"It was the hand of God!" was the reply.

"ARRRGGGGHHHH!" Heather cried immediately after Claudia had finished, clutching her stomach. "I knew I shouldn't have had that pizza I found in the back of the refrigerator last night!" groaned Heather as she collapsed to the floor. "It didn't have that much mould on it!"

Claudia turned to her right away from the girl. "AHAHAHAHAHA- Ow!" Claudia cried as she walked into a wall. She clutched her nose and started laughing again, this time going down the corridor to her left.

Heather watched her go, still holding her stomach. "What is wrong with that crazy bitch?!" she asked, now completely baffled.

So remember kids: In Hollywood, English equals EVIL!

***

She hated it here in these sewers, even worse than that warped mall she had just left – it had been a nightmarish experience, but at least it had been _dry_. Heather's boots were soaked though, and these were her favourite pair!

"Dammit!" she cursed loudly, not caring if she attracted the attention of any more monsters. "When I get my hands on the guy at Konami who thought it was a good idea in that I go wading around a sewer!" She continued to mutter to herself as she stamped angrily up the corridor she was walking along at the moment. She stopped, however, when she saw the large figure standing in her way.

"Oh, no…" she muttered, covering her face with a hand. "You're in the wrong game, you idiot!"

"Hello, my dear," Pyramid Head greeted her.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" the girl demanded.

"Well," Pyramid Head replied. "I thought I'd better apologize. Besides, the fact that nothing really interesting happening in these sewers demands that I appear as filler."

"Apologize?" the blonde girl asked, ignoring his last remark. "What on earth for?"

"Have you read the fan fiction 'Pyramid Head and I' by Jack of the Pelt?" he asked.

"No, not really,' she snorted, "He's a talentless hack if you ask me."

Pyramid Head ignored her. "There's a slight continuity error in the scene with the two Pyramid Head cheerleaders," he told her, although Heather wasn't really listening, as she was currently more interested in the mould growing on the walls. "Apparently the long corridor where James hears the voice of Mary was after that event, not before."

"Damn, that was a pathetic correction," Heather said, leaning against the wall, bored. "That Jack must sit in front of his computer 24/7, going over his stories for the slightest mistake. What a geek."

Pyramid Head didn't say a word. He just stood there.

"Well, are you going to move?"

"Of course not," he replied. "It's my job to be irritating and get in people's way."

"Oh, in that case…" Heather smacked him on his helmet with the gold pipe she was carrying, which made a loud clang, and fell on his back.

"That - OUCH! - wasn't - OW! - supposed - AAARRGGGHHH! - to happen!" he groaned as she walked over him. "How in the name of Samael did you do that?!"

Heather held the pipe aloft, she suddenly became chibified. "Because of THIS!" she cried triumphantly. "I got it from a sewer lurking out-of-context fairy queen who thought I was a man!"

"Not from what I saw just now," Pyramid Head muttered.

Unfortunately, Heather heard him, and she gave him a swift kick to the head, and another loud clang reverberated around the corridor. But as Heather walked down the corridor, leaving Pyramid Head to struggle to his feet, resting her mighty gold pipe on her shoulder, she didn't realize that she was now completely naked apart from her boots. Why? Because nobody - and I mean NOBODY - calls Jack of the Pelt a talentless hack and gets away with it!

"EEEEEEKKKKKK!!!"

Now she does.

***

Heather ran. She had just escaped from the nightmare office block that she knew was only a short distance from her destination. So was running faster and harder than she had every done before. She was almost there, where she would be safe from danger.

When she had reached her destination she yanked opened the door and hurried inside. The room she had entered was a large cavernous chamber with pillars on both sides while a lavish looking throne was obviously the focus of the place.

Sitting on the throne was Vincent, who was wearing a strange piece of headgear and a grey uniform, while the rest of his body was hidden by a grey cloak. Claudia was also there, wearing what looked like a red, black and purple swimsuit with long black gloves that ended just above her elbows and purple tights. Both looked considerably younger than when Heather had met them earlier.

"Hail Lord Vincelaz -" Claudia began weakly, her right arm raised in a salute.

Heather screeched to halt beside her. "HAIL LORD VINCELAZZO!!!" Heather cried, saluting as well. Her own costume had changed as well; she was now wearing a black shirt, black gloves, a grey jacket, grey shorts and a pair of black boots.

"- zo…" the other girl finished, before her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed to the floor.

"Ah, Heather," Vincent – ah, I mean Lord Vincelazzo – said calmly. "Irritatingly cheerful as per usual. Where have you been?"

"Well, Heather was in the mall when this old pervert came up to me and started to follow me so I hid in the bathroom and so I escaped out the window then when I got back inside there where all phallic looking monsters so I shot them with this gun I found and then I met this crazy English woman who called me Edmund and after that the place started to look all horrible and dark so I had to run around shooting things and solving puzzles and fight this even more phallic looking giant snake and then I got on a train which didn't have a driver and then I went into the sewers and the filthy water there ruined my boots and then I went though this derelict building and then into an office block which was normal at first then went weird like the mall and was full of monsters as well and there was this big one blocking the front doors so I couldn't get out but after I said the words "Tu fui, ego eris!" and it disappeared and I ran here which luck would have it was right next door!" she managed to say without pause for a breath, waving her arms around while she talked, as if trying to emphasize her point.

"I see," Vincelazzo said without batting an eyelid. "That's very interesting, Heather, but did you complete the mission I gave you and find the Seal of Metatron?"

Heather stopped her babbling, her eyes shrinking to dots. "Er, no sir…" And then, bizarrely, her face melted off.

"Hmm…" Vincelazzo put his hand on a rope that had just lowered from the ceiling.

"But sir!" protested Heather, her face back on. "You never even told me Heather to find it!"

"Not good enough, you should have know already," and with that her pulled the rope.

"I'm sssooorrryyyy sssiiirrrr!!!" She screamed as she fell into the deep pit that had just opened below her, followed by a splash.

"Claudia," he said, moving his eyes to the other girl, who was still lying on the floor. "I want you to find the Seal of Metatron for me,"

"Yes, sir," she gurgled from her position on the floor, blood dribbling out of her mouth. "I'll go as soon as I can…" Suddenly, Valtiel emerged from the shadows, twitching, and grabbed Claudia legs. "Hail Lord Vincelazzo…" she said as the demon dragged her off, leaving a trail of blood.

"Tsk," he clicked his tongue. "You just can't find the staff these days…"

"Hey!" cried Koshi Rikdo, appearing from nowhere. "I didn't give my permission for this! I – AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!" But before he could continue he was hacked in half by Pyramid Head.

Well, it is _my_ story.

***

After she had dealt with the thing that had killed her father, Heather had gone to Silent Hill with Douglas. She had head for a place called Brookhaven Hospital, while Douglas went to another address they had been given, but both of them were searching for a man called 'Leonard', who the mysterious Vincent told them to find. After exploring the place and fighting some rather freaky looking nurses, she now found herself in room S12, where a phone was ringing, and almost without thinking about it, she picked up the receiver.

"Helloooo," she said into the phone sensually. "My name's Heather. Can you guess what I'm wearing?"

"Pardon?!" asked the voice on the other end of line, clearly shocked.

"Oh, sorry!" she said. "Force of habit. Can we start again?"

"Well, okay," the voice agreed. "But it does destroy the dramatic tension of the moment." It was followed by the sound of the phone being put down and the dial tone. Heather placed her own back onto the cradle, and waited for it to ring again.

A few moments later, the phone rang again, and Heather picked it up again. "Er, hello?" she asked, tentatively this time.

"Do you like scary movies?" asked a creepy voice on the other end of the phone.

"No."

There was a pause for a moment. "You're supposed to say yes."

"Okay, yes."

"What's your favourite?"

"Scooby Doo."

"You're not taking this seriously!"

"No, I am serious!" she told him. "It's absolutely terrifying! Especially that part with –"

"Don't lie to me, Claudia, you're always trying to run from your responsibilities," the man reprimanded her. "And why aren't you speaking with an English accent like you usually do?"

The girl sighed. "Cor blimey guv'nor!" Heather said in accurate mockney. "That's a barrel of jellied eels and no mistake, Mary Poppins!"

"That's better!"

"Good, because that's the last you're gonna hear of it, seeing as I'm not Claudia," she told him. "My name is Heather."

"You're not Claudia? Then what are you doing with her cell phone?"

The girl rolled her eyes. "This isn't a cell phone."

"I knew that!" replied the voice defensively. "I was just… testing you."

"Yeah, right!"

"Heather, will you help me?" the voice said, quickly changing the subject.

"Aren't we skipping over some important exposition, like the fact that you're Leonard Wolf and Claudia is your daughter?"

"Yes, but if I was to recite every single line from the script the readers would get bored very quickly."

"Oh, ok…" replied Heather, unsure whether breaking the fourth wall was strictly allowed. "Where are you now?"

"I'm not sure myself, but the door is at the end of the hall on the second floor."

"But there isn't door on at the end of the second floor," she said matter-of-factly.

"This is Silent Hill, stupid," the countered. "Where do you think I am? In the refrigerator?"

Heather stuck her tongue out.

"Stop that! If the wind changes you'll stay like that!" he admonished her. "Oh! Before I forget one last thing…"

"Yes?"

"What colour panties are you wearing?"

Heather slammed down the phone.

***

After Heather had received the bizarre phone call, she had headed for where Leonard had asked her to go: a door at the end of the corridor on the second floor of the hospital. Although she knew for certain that this door hadn't been there before, she had to go though. She had ended up in a maze of corridors where rusty wire fences moved when she past them, as if guiding her to where she had to go, and eventually she had arrived at a dead end. The fence behind had blocked the way back, and there was one in front of her, preventing her from going any further. It was, however, decorated (if that was the word to use) with one of those strange symbols that she had seen scattered all over the place on her travels. As she touched it, she had vision of Lisa, the nurse that had looked after her - No, had looked after _Alyssa_, not her. Once it had finished the wall had mysteriously opened up before her.

As she tentatively entered the room beyond she was horrified to find the walls a horrible blood red. Controlling her disgust, she started climbing the ladder which led up into the unknown. She gasped as saw the monster turning a red valve in the wall; it was a creature she had seen before but never seemed to attack her, as the thing had always seemed more preoccupied with something else, even if she got close to it. She noticed it also had something else in its other hand, but Heather couldn't quite make out what the large object was. Very slowly and carefully, she climbed passed it.

But when she was above the beast, there was the sound of the flash of a camera going off.

"THEY'RE PINK!" shouted the demon below her. Heather simply gritted her teeth in anger and lashed out with her foot.

KRACK!

***

Heather couldn't believe what had just happened. After swallowing the strange object inside the precious charm her father had given her, the blonde girl had thrown up a horrendous bloody lump of meat that resembled an embryo.

She was horrified to learn that that _thing_ had been growing inside of her, but then Claudia had done something even more horrific.

She had _swallowed_ it.

But then Claudia had fallen - or had she been pulled? - into the deep pit behind her, leaving Heather with no choice but to give chase.

And now the young girl stood before God. It was glorious and monstrous, beautiful and horrific, all-powerful and -

"THAT'S God?" Heather said, indicating the bizarre but somewhat stupid looking skeletal creature now standing and twitching spasmodically at the other end of the chamber she now found herself in.

Well… yes, yes it is.

"Um, I didn't think God would look so…"

Yes? Look so what?

"Crap."

Erm…

"Look, I've seen scarier things on the side of cereal boxes!"

I agree completely! Tony the Tiger is bloody terrifying! And as for Snap, Crackle and Pop, I never turn my back on Rice Crisp-

"Ahem!"

Oh! Sorry. Well, the creators must have started to run out of ideas. Do you have to complain about everything?

"It's just that it's a bit of an anticlimax, that's all," she sighed. "I just hope she isn't one of those bosses with an easy to predict pattern of attacks."

Oh dear.

***

Douglas, who still was still at the theme park, recovering from his injuries, looked up to see Heather approach him slowly.

"Heather!" he cried, somewhat weakly. "Is it really over?"

"Not yet," she said grimly, her face neutral. "You're still alive…" It was then that he noticed the knife in her hands.

Douglas was so shocked he couldn't speak; he simply stared at her in horror.

Suddenly a smile lit up Heather's face; she then held up her hands and started giggling. "Just a joke!" she laughed.

The old man shook his head, breathing a sigh of relief. "You've got terrible taste."

"I'm sorry," she told him, still laughing slightly.

But the old man's mind was on other things. "Heather," he asked her. "Did you…?"

"You don't have to call me that," she said. "I'm not hiding anymore."

"You want me to use your real name?" he asked. "What was it again…?"

"Cheryl," the girl told him. "The name my father gave me."

"You gonna let your hair colour go back too?"

"I don't know," she said and then she laughed again, striking a pose. "Don't you think blondes have more fun?"

"Well, know that it's all over," Douglas said, slowly climbing to his feet. "Are you sure…?"

"Sure what?"

"Are you sure you don't want to sell me your underwear?"

THWACK!


End file.
